a light at the end of the tunnel

though my life is far from being dark and grey, sad and desolate, it is not complete. i have known for quite a while that there is something that i wanted to have in my world but the time and circumstances have not been right and i have been told to wait. i am not good at waitning... i have never been good at waiting if i know you have a present for my birthday BEFORE my birthday i want it now, if i have a Christmas present for you Before Christmas i want you to have it now and to open it now and share your expression with me now... I DO NOT LIKE TO WAIT!!! but i do when i have to AND I HAVE TO! the saying, "there is light at the end of the tunnel" comes to mind as my waiting draws to a new type of waiting.
When i was a young teen we drove to Florida and somewhere between here and there we drove through a very long tunnel. i liked going through the tunnel at first and then got tired of being closed up...and was ready to be out of the tunnel and to our destination. As we neared the end of the tunnel and i could see the light of the outside world, i wanted my dad to drive faster to JUST get there. we finally were out of the tunnel, but we were still far from the end of our journey.
in my personal life, i can see the ligth at the end of the tunnel, but am not to it yet. i want to speed up and be there already but know i will miss important parts of life and relationships by speeding through it and i know mistakes are more easily made at higher speeds. i am also aware that even when i am out of the tunnel of this part of my life and i have more freedoms in what i want and what i am doing, the journey is far from being over. i need prayers that i will not try to speed up the process of being out of the tunnel before i am fully in the light; for the journey is still far from being over.

moving around and making a mess

well, now that summer is almost over, i am finally motivated to get things done at my house that i keep sying "i'll do it on a break from work" :) well in 3 years of living here and atleast 9 breaks from work i have finally begun cleaning out my spare room.
i have used this room as a storage (and will continue to but with organization) and if you have ever seen it, you will understand. I now can see a floor in there!!! and for 1 day it looked really nice.
my parents are getting a bed from my step-brother so they are sending one of theirs to me, and i need a place for it. but that's doesn't have a time limit and since i need limits and boundaries and dealines; i didn't clean for the bed. But i knew i was getting internet installed and he would need room to walk because i wanted it hooked up in that room. THAT got me to clean it. and it lookint NICE in there.
the next day i decided to move a bookshelf from my entry way to that room and here comes a new mess. i got stuck in the doorway and had to empty the shelf to get it over the carpet but i couldn't get out of the room. so i just started throwing things in the floor.
but i can't clean it becaue i'm not for sure if i want to keep the shelf where it is! i procrastinate that way. i guess i need to get the bed in there so i will begin to see how i want to set up the room and then start moving stuff. i know it will be a nice room someday soon, but it is such a pig pen now!

ok i know that was random but i wanted to blog and couldn't think of anything else and this is JUST MY THOUGHTS!!:)

now online!!!

hello all! i know it's been a VERY LONG TIME but i now have internet at my house, YEAH!!!!!! and it is a lot easier to be online and go to all the sites that the schools secured network won't let me get to :) so i will be blogging now!!! but don't hold your breath, i know it won't be an everyday occurance or anything! looking forward to getting back into it and back into your business :) hahaha!!!!
will blog soon, i promise

hitting my knees

i am not afraid of very many things but i am afarid of being hurt. And while i am not too keen on emotional pain, i am most afraid of physical pain. i don't want to have scrapes and bruises and drying scaps that pull away and cause itching and extra pain. And when i think about physical pain of anticipate hurt i always direct those thoughs and images to my knees. I'm not sure why i do this, but i have since i was a little girl. If i think about falling, my knees hurts; if i think about a car crash, my knees are the main focus.

and as i am still unsure of the reasoning for this and have embraced never knowing the why i will attribute it to God and my relationship to him. When i put myself into perspective with God, my knees are reverent in the since of relation. God is my master, there for i bow before Him. i am humbled in His presence, i am on my knees. When i talk to him; even though i am not physically doing this, i refer to prayer as hitting my knees.
i don't "hit my knees" as often as i should and maybe the ache in my knees is from the absence my heart feels from not building that relationship with God.

now with that being said. I am asking for prayers, please. Prayers on my behalf to continue making my relationship with God as it should be, therefore turning my relationships with others into what THEY also should be. Also without naming specifics my brother and his family need MANY prayers right now; the situation may not be changed but the effects of the situation can be lessened with prayer as well as strength and comfort be provided to help them all get through it.

dancing

inspried by andy who was inspired my darla who was commenting to jaci:) sorry, you know i have to be silly!:)

wow! darla's comment about old women dancing in the moolight put such a vibrant picture in my mind and then Andy's blog added a new light to it, a twist with many emaotions attached to the dancing i invisioned. He put experiances to it that made me think of striking out on a new adventure or endeavor without fear... wow! what an inspiration that brings to me.

i can begin new things pretty easily and usually they start out with ease and the void of fear. But as i get just inside something new and begin to think that it is something great~as the song begins to play iand i get the urge to 'dance with life'~; my anxiousness and panic sets in and i begin to fear this new wonderful thing coming to an end. And i get so tied up in the ending of the song and the thoughts of "when is it going to end?" "how will it finish?" and "how badly will i hurt, for how long?" that (that more times than so doesn't even end badly) that i forget to dance while the music is playing. that my total existance in the 'right now' is hendered by the possibility if a crashing hault (which more times than so doesn't even occur)

i wish that i had as much contentment as Paul did to rejoice in the right now. He rejoiced in the unpleasantries of right now, i can't find it difficult to have peace and enjoy the moments. ~as a disclaimer, i am not always this way but the uncertainties of the physical future do scare me sometimes!

i hope that you can find contentment and joy in your right now!

don't forget to laugh

this was posted at the end of an email with pictures and stories about the crazy life parents with boys may have...

Laughter...

enhances respiration and circulation,

oxygenates the blood,

suppresses the stress-related hormaones in the brain,

activiates the immune system,

stimulate practically all the large organs in the body,

and relesaes endorphins, the body's natural pain reliever

which also produces a feeling of well being.

I have heard before that laughter is the best medicine and i have also heard that i laugh too much, BUT i haven't been a general physician since i moved to atascosa county...almost 7 years ago! :) i think that there is no such thing as too much laughter!

May you have a life full of wonderful things to make you laugh!

yippy!

during a few spare moments this morning, i was on the internet here at school. I was checking my email and just kinda looking around. I haven't been able to get on blogger for quite some time now because the site has been blocked:( today i thought i would try, just to see what would happen and OH MY GOODNESS, it let me on!!!!:) who knows how long it will be on and available, but i will take advantage while i can!

today has been a slow day and i have been a bit tired. i was out Monday and Tuesday this week for a workshop in San Antonio. The workshop was good and interesting and useful, but it alwasys makes me tired to sit all day listening to lecture and not be moving around with my kiddos, enjoying my schedule. It IS nice to be back today!:)

i am also tired b/c i got in later last night than i usually would like, but the reason was exceptional! Lin and I met Dana in San Marcos and went out for birthday dinner!!!! Everything is better when in the company of my girls! we had a really good time eating, and talking, laughing and JUST BEING SILLY; that is however the best way to be!!!

I gotta go, it's time for my kiddos to come see me! maybe i'll have something to talk about later this week! I'll see most of you tonight and will hopefully be back on soon! hugs and kisses

life's cycle

i have always found it interesting how the lives of creatures and aspects in nature circle each other. how one thing uses another and at the same time, helps something different. and how the sun is the life of most things; things that use and help other things.
Being in the light of the SON gives us life and allows us to be helped by one friend and at the same time help someone else. i experiance that a lot but am fully aware of that wonder today. i think God is so awesome and am just dumbfounded that some find it hard to believe in Him, i find it impossible to believe that He's NOT here and working so powerfully in my life. i have been allowed by God to help 2 friends this afternoon, 2 of my greatest friends, 2 friends that have wiped my tears so many times, 2 friends that show their love in boundless ways, 2 friends that i owe many smiles to.
Christ's love compells us to love. we love him because He has first loved us. We love each other because He has taught us how to love by His example. And we continue loving each other because of the way they react to our love. ( i know that is not always the case and that we love some regargless of how they feel about us) but it sure is a lot easier for me to love those who treat me so much better than they should, much better than i deserve ~hum, sounds like grace~
do unto others as you would have them do to you; you want love, show it, you will recieve so much more than you give, but give it unselfishly, it is given unselfishly on your behalf everyday!
~may you be blessed with the love that i have been blessed with today! inspired by dana's blog:)

"Is he really real?"

my middle nephew cooper is 8 and on the verge of fully knowing about santa. this christmas would make or break the dream held my all children for so many years.

on saturday we had dinner and gift exchange at grandma-B's (don's mom) and santa visited. Cooper knew without a doubt that it was just uncle cam dressed in a beard and red suit. and when confronted by the inquiring young mind, cam wowwed cooper with his honest admittance. Cam assured coop that Santa would be here Sunday night and they could stay up to see him.

Secretly the wonderful santa helping uncle arranged for santa to be at the house to take care of the yearly duties! i awoke, but not to the clatter on the lawn; just the door opening and was able to snap a picture of santa as he finished the cookies and placed the gifts and stockings under the tree.

for the first time in 8 years, cooper didn't have to be coaxed awake, he rose at 7am and stood in wonder at the stokings and gifts under the tree. He was so delighted to see the picture, he could tell by the round belly that it wasn't uncle cam but santa, indeed. Everyone was awaken by the joy-filled boy, surprised by santa's visit! the house was full of the joy that just can't be described!

Hope your day is as great as the beginning of mine has been! Love to all!

purposefully random

okay i know that i am random ALL THE TIME...but today i will be on purpose! ~that hardly ever happens!~ but there are more than a few thoughts on my mind...

~WOW, i love my boss!!!! this year we have a new director at the co-op where i work and can i just say "aww!!" it is so refreshing and relaxing to have a director that is more like a mother than a boss. Every pay day we get a note from her telling us how much we are appreciated. and we get e-cards at holidays. I just got one for Christmas, we all did...25 of us!!!! she's just so neat to work for!
~yeah! a cold Christmas!! 2 years in a row!! and i love that it's raining. i could do with out the mud and cleaning my glasses but all in all it's awesome! Thanks Lord, we needed it.
~i LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!! i like the husstle and bustle about the house, no room for everyone so we all sit real close and everyone is all lovey. i love the food!!!(and will work out real hard come January) i just like being with everyone and at this point i have 5 down (counting work and the ladies thing) and at least 2 to go. I LOVE IT!!!!
~i love my friends! :) we got together lastnight and yippy that Lin made it! we walked on the riverwalk, ate a yummy dinner and ran through the mall to get to J.R.'s truck so we could retrieve lin and stuff! then we opened presents and went back to the river! it was a GREAT TIME! thanks for the good times! -Jamie i missed you!

okay that's all for now! Merry Christmas to all! make wonderfull memories with your loved ones, love you

now is a good time...

okay so it has been way too long! i know, and i have had oppurtunities but no ideas or then i would have ideas but not be at the right place. i feel displaced sometimes and not in the way as to feel out of place or not belonging; that's not the porblem. i feel like i'm hiding from myself out of self preservation. wow i don't like being introspective and don't know how to handle it when it all comes bursting through like a damn that has held up against the pressure for so long that it powerfully floods at the first sign of a small leak.
i had no intentions of writing today, but darla's comment and got to thinking... for some reason i let other's opinions or even thoughts that i think they will have rule over me. it may not even be a thought that even occurs in the other person's head but i let my insecurities take over and flood me with doubt and disapproval (that's most often not even there) and i am not who i am. Well, i am on the outside and in crowds, but not where it counts.
truthfully, that is more than likeley the real reason i haven't been here lately, sorry for the excuses and facade. i will get back to enjoying the simple things and being content with who i am and what i have, which are both tremendous gifts and quite abundant!

jackie, it still is hard for me to blog, being that i can't do it at school anymore, so don't expect one eveyday, but i will try to come on at least weekly...we'll see!

hear them singing?

okay i know Jamie posted something not too long ago about children singing and how beautiful it is...but i will too!! i have to brag...:)

okay my nephews are in town this weekend (my step brother got married)

We went to class with our congregation this morning and then came to Jourdanton to worship with my Paw-paw at the baptist church. One man sang a special, "One Day at a Time" and it was very pretty, real nice. Cooper was sitting between Mom and I and he was singing right along side Mike, in his cute sweet little voise. Made my heart smile!

i remember when J.T. was little (less than 2, coop wasn't born yet) he LOVED to sing church sonegs. Praise ye the Lord was his favorite, and he would sing it his all his might...and he didn't have his /l/ sound yet...it was too cute!

AND then at lunch today, Alex my cousin's little girl was singing songs from her bible class! it was just so precious! and i cried, in my plate!:)

did you know...

...that i liked basketball?
Okay, my mom was a basketball player in high school and my brother got those genes, and ALL of them, because i have none. Yeah sure i like to play (as i like most games) but i'm funny to watch!
we grew up with my mom playing us, and going to all my brother's games and i played little dribblers ~i think~. and we watched the Lakers on T.V. every chance we had (like jackie hutton does witht he spurs)
and now that i have nephews i love to watch them play anything, even basketball and that's what i always chalked it up to. base ball has ALWAYS been the one i like the best, except of course for bull riding!
okay so let's get to the piont... Ashleigh that i work with is a coach's wife and his 7th grade basketball team had their first game tonight in Somerset and she was going to support them and him, and i tagged along! and i was thinking, okay so it's basketball, eh and jr. high basket ball at that...ehhhh, but what the heck, i will support kids from the youth group, okay, it will be okay...
WRONG!!!!
it was so good, it started slowly but then in the 4th quarter, the b team just came alive and i was standing and yelling and cheering and jumping on the bench and just going crazy with excitement!!! and the did win, but a team lost, but it was a fantastic game!
i DO like basket ball and will probably be visiting a few more games this season!

-sorry that it has been forever since i've posted, i can't get on it at school anymore (on my conference) so it's not so easy. don't be surprised if it's a while before my next one. (: but if you really want to know anything, i am still in the same place and if you can't see me, you know my # :)

makes me smile

some time ago a few of you started a list of things to do and things you like and even a list of things you don't like, then recently i posted a list of good things i found in a magazine that i agreed with. For the past couple of days i have been paying attention to my routine and thinking of things in that are usual and familiar to me but not in my every day life, i have been back-tracking in my mind and i have come up with a (starter) list of things that i really really love. these are not in any specific order, i they are all favorite things...

~time spent with friends

~girl time

~being wrapped in my momma's arms

~sunday phone calls

~breakfast for supper

~being a part of cooking with others

~laughing (even when i'm the joke-most of the time)

~being in the middle of God's nature

~making plans to be with friends *because being together is ALWAYS great but if we have to plan for it.... oh yes!!

~my nephews and my Ally

~children

~rainbows

~feeling the wind hitting my face, dead on (this is better than feeling it at an angle)

~jumping in an ice cold river in the middle of autumn with 3 other KRAZIE ladies

~seeing God's wisdom being poored through the heart of my sister

~seeing God's power in action through the love of someone i love

~listening or seeing characteristics of an old friend or of myself

through soemone else's perspective

~pregant bellies

~baby sounds, smiles, baby feet and toes, baby noses...

~seeing success in my kiddos

~moving my leg in the morning so my foot will be on the cold spot in the bed

~listening to thunder and watching lightning

~a warm fuzzy sweatshirt or blanket

~my last bite of enchiladas

~unexpected friendships

~geting dressed up for something special

~Suzie's reaction of a new pair of shoes

~gentle touches

~playing in hair, or someone in my hair

~holiday smells from the kitchen

~seeing my paw

~kisses

~the lingering rememberance of a good smelling guy on my shirt (i love Domain!)

~hearing "i love you jenn" from Ally or one of my boys (or anyone actually...)

recipe Ingredients

I love to cook although i don't very often, because it's hard for just one person. but i like to all the same. I love taking a variety of some good things and some not so good things (what IS cream of tartar anyway) comibining them, stirring in a little love and ending up with something wonderful. i love this process in other things such as photo boards, tin creations and more of those not dealing with cooking at all...

i was able to be a part of a great recipe this weekend...
cold weather, fire, warm sunshine, thin mattresses, having no mattress at all (because it was stolen), snoring friends, lots of laughter, noisy furnaces, one or two dissapointing moments, great food, some spills, a broken glass, cleaning, God's country side, ice cold water, beautiful signing (with bass and tenor without the men) cool breezes, stealing presents, a wonderful worship, great lessons, moving from the top bunk in the middle of the COLD night for a pit stop, crafty activities, burn spots on a foot (not mine), campfire stories, crazy games, frustrating plans for game points, seeing the game points worn with pride, and wonderful Godly women.

great and not so great ingredients, combined in one place, mixed with love... and something wonderful in the end! Our women's retreat was absolutely amazing!!! the good ingredients far outweight the not so good and each thing was needed in order for the recipe to turn out just perfectly! God is so good to give us times and places such as these to strengthen us and rejuvenate us to come back and tackle another week for His Glory.

one

there was or is a comercial that advertises the power of one...sorry i can't think of what it is. okay anyway i was thinking about that and it got me to thinking how powerful one really is weather it be in a negative way or positive.

it blows my mind how ONE can affect everything! one act of kindness can lift a load off a struggling soul, even if that aspect is unkown; one smile can brighten someone's entire day; one activity not participated in because of our Christian character can change someone's eternity; and one word can help, heal, encourage, ruin a friendship, or destroy a person.

as i left a bible study last night i was thinking about how much i love thewoman i had just said goodnight to. and how close i am with her. and then i was thinking back on a time when we weren't close. and how one act of forgiveness turned my unwilling heart to help out in away that i really didn't want to and how that one day of helping her (in my opinion hers may be different) changed our relationship forever.

God's timing is so awesome and he puts things on our hurts, unwilling to let us waiver for so many good reasons. I love His all-knowing power and how he can turn one thing that was not so pleasant into so many amazing moments. i can not wait for all those moments that we haven't experianced yet!

i LOVE this thing!!!

when i went to ACU in the fall of '97 i met Judith. a red-headed canadian girl who lived in the room across the hallway. instantly we became friends! she was then and continues to be my friend from across!

when we met, we were ACROSS the hall. she grew up in Ontario Canada, ACROSS the continent. and began her college life in Michigan, ACROSS the country. the first summer we were in Abilene we lived in houses down the road from the campus, ACROSS the alley from each other. our 2nd year together we lived ACROSS campus and our last ACROSS town from each other. Upon graduation i moved here and she moved to the Dallas Fort-worth area, we were ACROSS Texas! she is now a missionary in Japan.

I emailed her recently for her birthday and got to correspond with her a little bit. but i miss her so much and we really don't keep in touch with each other as much as i'd like. we are both busy and after all we are ACROSS the world from each other (okay i'll stop saying that i know, you get the point!)

Every couple of months, judith will send an update letter about recent events, praises to God and prayer requests. i got one today and guess what?

SHE HAS A BLOG TOO!!!!!!! okay, just a little bit excited! so another friend i can be in touch with through this system! i love technology (well, when it's easy like this is!)

i hope you too can notice and experiance the good things God had instore for you this Monday!

hey ju i made a comment on the kitten post...just FYI! i don't know if you go back to read comments from early blogs---i don't unless somethings makes me think i might have something! it's about the resident Angie and i had in the dorm!! :)

flat tire

okay i have some to the conclusion that people in small towns are generally nice people! i'm sure people in big cities are nice too, although they aren't on the highway! And i know a lot of wonderfully nice small town women but i have noticed that men will go out of thier way to help someone else (especially if the man has children)

a couple of weeks ago as Joanna and i were leaving the gym, i noticed that my rear left tire was flat. not low, oh no it WAS FLAT, like my wheel cover was resting on the ground flat!!! so we were looking at it and jo was paniced but my daddy made sure a long time ago that i knew how to take care of things such as that so i was planning my next step. In the mean time, a guy that also works out there was leaving (almost out of the parking lot) and he noticed my tire and turned around to make sure we were okay and knew how to handle it. he also made a suggestion of going to the tire place down the rode (i went but it was scary so we left)
anyway, i aired it up and have been watching it and taking cxare of it as needed.

okay today i was at walmart and when i left i had thought about checking it, it looked yesterday like today would be a day to add air, but there was a lady getting out of her car and i didn't want to rush her or startle her so i didn't check it. but ias soon as i got on the highway i could clearly here that i should air my tire RIGHT AWAY!

so i turned around at whataburger and as i was coming out the exit only, a truck of older men turned in to the exit only, so i looked in confusion at him and smiles (because it's easier than frowning) they pulled in ther JUST to tell me that my tire was flat!
again, it was out of his way to turn and offer help.

I have been veryfortunate to have good look on the road but at times that i have needed help, there have been guys (prob'lly dads) that have been willing to help.
Their moms would beproud and their daughters are fortunate!

i made a mistake

i posted "i want to marry a man like that" the other day but saved it as a draft for a few days. I published it today but it is posted in the order it which it was created. so you have to look for it under "humbled". SORRY!

humbled

i have the privledge to share an office at the coo-op with a wonderful christian women, who is caring enough to kindly put me in my place and provide and form of encouragement me when i need it! Roxie is an interpreter for the deaf and sits in on ARDs (meeting for children in special education to review progress and goals) when translation and interpretation ins needed. she also teaches signs to non-verbal children to assist the communication process. We have a few kids in common, so every so often i will see her on my campus during the day, which is a treat, becasue just looking at her smiling face brightens my day!
God has truly blessed me because i have seen her 3 times already this morning. She had to be at an ARD for one of my kids, his mom is hard of hearing and uses signs...
so in seeing her just now, i asked how it went. This mother works very hard to support her kids and is elligible for very little financial support. They barely make ends meet. She left work this morning to attend the meeting (because she is a part of her child's education).
This is what she shared with Roxie...
She works at a restraunt cleaning in the back and helping prepare food and such; pay- $5.75 and hour (soon she will move up to $6.00.) She also breaks horses on the weekend; pay- $100.00
Now i'm not going to pretend to know how much a job like that is worth but i would think that a good hand who has a life time experiance with horses could get better than that so my mouth drops thinking, how can a family of three make it on so little?

okay, ready? this is where God knocked me to my knees. This mom said...

"we are so rich"
wow i complain about how much i don't have and she is rejoicing over the little she does have. she also said "i can now afford the good shampoo at the dollar store, not just the $0.69 kind" she offers to work 12 hour days so she can afford the little things i take for granite every day.

Count your blessings, they are many!!!